The Scariest Thing That Ever Happened To Me

I was on tour with a show called Embrace The World. It was a breakthrough experience because I got to tour for the very first time. We had a tour bus, a bus driver, a tour manager, the works. In the band we had people from all around the globe. China, Hungary, Columbia, Canada, Peru, Guatemala, Scotland, Iran and the US. It was a sight to of mixed cultures to see.

I remember it was a day like any other on the tour. We got to the city and loaded in. Rehearsed and then went for dinner. I never knew that what started out as a beautiful day would soon end in horror.

We were slated to perform at the Conservatory in Victoria, BC. One of my favourite cities, Victoria is home to great scenery, beautiful architecture and the best freakin coffee you’ve ever had the pleasure of allowing your taste buds to savour. I mean, it’s soooo smooth you don’t even need to sweeten it! But I digress. Hard to stay focused when coffee is brought into the conversation.

Ok, where was I? Right! Now, we’re there playing in front of a packed house and people are loving the show. I’d like to say that women were throwing their underwear at us but it wasn’t that type of show. I’m having a great time. My fellow Scotsman is having a great time. (At least I think he was. He did always seem like he was having a great time. Wondering what his secret was.) The lead singers are singing lead and all us background musicians are playing background.

At the end of the show we hang around to thank the audience and meet and greet the fans. The lead singers are thanking the fans and we background musicians are packing up. HEY! It was a dirty job but someone has to do it.

Suddenly and out of nowhere this older (I’m thinking somewhere around 55ish) French Canadian woman grabs me and starts to shake me back and forth in what I will always remember as being the most intoxicated bear hug of my life. And she wasn’t drunk. I recall seeing the room shake back and forth as I tried to regain composure. Apparently she was so happy with the performance that this was her way of expressing it. So much for personal space.

Then, she pulls back and looks me dead centre (or “center” if you’re American) in the eye and say that she’s so happy with the performance, that it left her feeling so happy and full of life. “Oh! ok…” I think. And that’s where I put my guard down and never saw it coming…

With a mouth agape and almost as if it all happened in slow motion her jaws of life clamped down hard on my left ear lobe. That’s right. Go back and read it just to make sure you read what you think you read. I’ll wait…

SHE FREAKIN BIT MY EAR LOBE MAN!!! Then she pull back and said “We French are dangerrrrous, rrrrroar.” Even rolled the R as she said it. Finally she brought me back into that same quivering bear hug one last time that I couldn’t break free from (Holy crap French Canadian women are strong). And as I stood there in her herculean arms rocking back and forth the spit went flying in all directions from my wounded lobe. I remember thinking “Please God, don’t let her have broken skin.”

Finally she let me go and as best I could to conjure up a diplomatic response I said “Ttttttthank yyyyyou.” and shakily removed myself from the premises to find the closest bathroom to assess the situation. In the bathroom, I gingerly washed my lobe and thankfully didn’t notice any blood. I just remember looking at myself in the mirror and then just started to laugh out loud. What an experience.

So for Halloween leave me a comment below of the scariest thing that ever happened to you. I’d love to hear your stories. Oh, and in honour of my favourite holiday, (I mean, come on, you say 3 words and get free candy. GENIUS!) I’m giving you my new song called “The Horror Inside” which you can download by right-clicking here.

Enjoy and beware of the bite of the French Canadian women!